The word decompensate was thrown at me by a very good lost friend of mine (I wish I still knew him – the problem is I know him.) He was a white rabbit actually.
Interestingly, I looked it up.
I am, in fact, decompensating – however, not mentally, physically.
Seven years ago, I DID decompensate mentally completely. For some strange reason people are engrossed in this “last time” thing. The reality is, its NOT the same kind of decompensation (if thats even a reality.) Its actually very different, and potentially life threatening. Hence my sense of panic, and worry.
I have myasthenia gravis, neuro-muscular auto-immune – I was operated on in 97 – I have a giant thymectomy scar down my chest as we all know. The tumor was wrapped around my diophram. I went into remission in around 2000, and have come out of it within the last few years.
This is the truth –
Last week thursday I was taken to the hospital, I collapsed, and my blood pressure bottomed out completely, I also hit my head on a door. I was rushed to the hospital, and cath’d, Im not gonna lie it was what it was, but really? The issue is that this has been happening over the last year, and unfortunately it isn’t getting better. I’ve watched my life flash before my eyes a few times within the last few months. However, it seems I need to explain.
Sadly, as we know, Im also diabetic, but this is not my main concern. (At least not right now.)
I’ve had to take a leave of absence from even my councelling. Unfortunately, it seems to me that the wrong kind of decompensation has been on everyones mind. As we (the committee that fucking knows me) know stress is just that with an auto-immune disorder any stress could cause me to break physically.
I need no proof, the scar should be enough.
I’ve almost collapsed coming home from the grocery store etc, and I spend a large amount of time in the bed. Once again, I’m learning to cook, and having as much fun as I can WHEN I can (painting, drawing, etc.) However, I go for a cup of coffee, I feel okay, I come home, I rest, I do it all again. I have to build strength to do every day activities. Period of rest equals some kind of fun.
My dreams seriously seem larger than life right now, but I do my best to render happiness. However, apparently people have some incorrect ideas.
I’m wondering, however, how many people were just nattering on about my possible decompensation to be honest. A magical being picks up dirt like fae dust. Not cute, hopefully unreal (I miss that game.)
Realitea is real.